The unexpected surprises of grief...
...opening the mailbox to pull out a reminder from the pulmonologist addressed to Todd Miller...time for your next appointment. A stab of grief.
...seeing one of Todd's hospice nurses at our local convenience store and him asking me how my hubby was doing. I had to tell him Todd passed away in June. I felt his uncomfortableness in that situation. A stab of grief.
...answering the phone and it was World of Wheels where Todd bought his touring bike. DJ wanted to know if he could talk to Todd about selling his bike; he found someone who wanted to buy it. I had to tell him Todd had passed away and that I had already sold the bike. Another stab of grief.
...seeing one of our local repairmen at the Credit Union and I quickly told him of Todd's passing before he could ask me how he was doing. I avoided the uncomfortable situation - as he did not know. A stab of grief.
They come one right after another. The reminders of grief. They have a message to share. "You're alone, without a spouse and he won't be back."
Grief is like a hug from the person you've lost. As I cry each night, I feel Todd hugging me and telling me it will be okay with time. Keep the faith he says and time will heal you - hurry up time, this is so hard. But grief travels at its own pace...it is uncontrollable as I struggle with my feelings and thoughts. Todd, you are always in my heart, I miss you!
Grief deepens you. It allows you to explore the perimeters of your soul. Grief is the only gateway to certain levels of consciousness, and it is a hard taskmaster. Through grief you can explore every aspect of your dark side~anger, pain, abandonment, terror, loneliness; and these are aspects of the sacred wound that in our daily lives we usually try to ignore. Grief forces you to look at those parts of yourself that are not yet healed. If you can look at grief as a teaching, you will grow. The pain of grief is not the only teacher in this life, but if looked at properly, with awareness and an open heart, it is one of the greatest teachers of all. The seeds of wisdom and enlightenment are planted within the wounds of grief. What is lost can only come back to us again in higher ways.
ReplyDeleteFinding the sacred and the holy in grief...sounds so hard to me. Yet somehow Julie, I see you finding it. You have scattered petals of the sacred and holy throughout this journey. The sacred and holy surrounds you through your faith, your family, your friends and the love that Todd filled your holy vessel with in the time you had on this earth. That my dear...is what will sustain you. Blessings dear one...you are an inspiration.
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