Sadness

I have been very sad the last few days. I have planned Todd's 'inurnment' for Sunday evening at 6 p.m. - I think it will be final then, I guess. His ashes will be buried in a small vault placed on his father's vault; my boys are digging the hole. Todd wanted to be buried on his father's grave and that is allowed here in Pennsylvania - he first asked all of his siblings if they had a problem with that; no one did. It will be in Barkeyville Cemetery. My feelings are all mixed up inside of me; I am happy for Todd for finally meeting his Lord on June 5th, but I miss him so much; no one to talk to, no one to care for, no one to need me! It has been three weeks today since he passed away - a long/short three weeks.

Thursday night, my high school/college priest, Fr. John called me. He told me it was okay to cry - I lost part of my life and need to grieve so I cried a lot Thursday night - my eyes were very puffy the next morning. I had lunch with Darlene Hanna and Jill Tarr on Friday, then stopped in to see Cody and Amanda and then ran into town for a few things I could have lived without. When I came home, no one was there to greet me, I guess I will get used to that feeling....it will take awhile, I guess. At bedtime, I put a CD of relaxation music in my bedroom CD player and drifted off to sleep.

I can hear the dragline scraping deep in the ground about 1/4 mile from us as they are mining for coal (surface mining). It sounds like thunder. At times, I can feel them blasting with dynamite. I can also hear the trucks on Route 58 slowing down to turn onto Harmony Road to pick up a load; their jake brakes sure are noisy. The truck sounds remind me of Todd. There are many sounds this Saturday morning, birds chirping, a mower, cars...all except the one I long to hear again saying....."Have I told you yet today that I love you?"