The Lane Home

I drive down this lane to come home and it is not really getting any easier knowing that I am coming home to an empty house. I am not afraid to stay alone; it is just that no one is there to talk to about my day. I park the car in the garage that wasn't there last year at this time. I open the door and drop my stuff on the kitchen table. Another night alone.
Today, Will, Cody, Amanda, her sister and mother and myself ate at the Olive Garden in Cranberry Twp for August birthday celebrations. We went about 3:30 before the dinner time crowd and had great service from our waiter, Steven. It was a nice time and a nice day. The boys and I attended church as well this morning - what a beautiful day we have had.
Last year at this time, Todd and I were talking about a dream he had, prayers for healing and strength were being said and we had no idea that he would not have another August. I sure do miss him. I think I miss him most at night. During the day when I am working, I can keep my mind occupied but come night time - my thoughts turn to him. Please keep me in your prayers as this next weekend it will be three months. I have been reading about grief and the first milestone is the three month mark. I made it through our anniversary date and next will be our First Date anniversary - Halloween.
Soon September will be here, why do the years go faster and faster as we get older?

One year ago today

This photo was taken at Niagara Falls October 2001, before the gray beard became part of Todd's smiling face. It was a beautiful day.

One year ago today, Todd had his port 'surgery'. They implanted the device to enable the chemo drugs to be administered without a needle in his arm; it was placed in his upper left arm. This was the beginning of many trips to Butler for Todd's treatment that did prolong his life. He had a great Fall for the most part - he never gave up hope, nor did I. We had a chance to talk of many things that most married couples never do - "it was the best of times, and the worst of times." [Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens] We both became closer to each other and to God. We realized that we had many friends and family members who loved us. We knew that without a miracle, Todd was going home to be with those who had gone before. He was not scared; he was worried about me! Todd never gave up hope of being cured but he sure was ready when the time came. I admired his courage and faith. Underlying all of our hope for a rosy future was the realization that the worst was yet to come. In the very end - Todd won! He made it - I feel privileged to have been able to nurse him to heaven.

The unexpected

The unexpected surprises of grief...

...opening the mailbox to pull out a reminder from the pulmonologist addressed to Todd Miller...time for your next appointment. A stab of grief.

...seeing one of Todd's hospice nurses at our local convenience store and him asking me how my hubby was doing. I had to tell him Todd passed away in June. I felt his uncomfortableness in that situation. A stab of grief.

...answering the phone and it was World of Wheels where Todd bought his touring bike. DJ wanted to know if he could talk to Todd about selling his bike; he found someone who wanted to buy it. I had to tell him Todd had passed away and that I had already sold the bike. Another stab of grief.

...seeing one of our local repairmen at the Credit Union and I quickly told him of Todd's passing before he could ask me how he was doing. I avoided the uncomfortable situation - as he did not know. A stab of grief.

They come one right after another. The reminders of grief. They have a message to share. "You're alone, without a spouse and he won't be back."

Grief is like a hug from the person you've lost. As I cry each night, I feel Todd hugging me and telling me it will be okay with time. Keep the faith he says and time will heal you - hurry up time, this is so hard. But grief travels at its own pace...it is uncontrollable as I struggle with my feelings and thoughts. Todd, you are always in my heart, I miss you!

Lonely

Someday, I won't feel half here. I guess this week it has really hit me that Todd is gone, gone forever and the emptiness is real. I have been praying a lot this week for peace. I know it will get better with time, but it will take many months and years to get over losing my best friend!!

My Life

MY BOYS:
Cody and Will got new tattoos! Cody's is a heart with MOM in the middle on his right bicep. He has a soft spot in his heart for me! Will got some abstract earth monster on his left inner lower arm. Wow, tattoos all over. Soon there will be no spot left.
MY HOME:
Grass is mowed, garage walls and ceiling are painted, water system is installed as well as a new hot water tank. I need my kitchen sink drain snaked out [Rick?] I need my bathroom sink drain out, it is broken and won't release....[Darren?]. Back deck is waterproofed, picnic table needs done and the front porch. I need to look for my own patio set, Mo and Paul just loaned me their's and they need them back. There is still lots to do before winter hits Pennsylvania!!
IN BETWEEN:
I had a work meeting Tuesday morning, then an office inspection with our security officer from Colorado as well as my direct supervisor and review supervisor. After they left, Tim stopped in to see if I needed anything done. By that time, I was so tired and ready for a break, I kind of broke down. I can only go so far in a day.
MY EMOTIONS:
I cried most of yesterday afternoon and did not work much at all. Some days are like that. All of a sudden it hits me that I am really ALONE and a WIDOW. Me? At the young age of 51? Not possible. The last year is such a blur to me and I know it will take days, months, years even to get over the grieving process – it is so overwhelming to me right now. I do a pretty good job of faking life right now – when all I want to do is crawl into a hole. My comfort is the chair Todd died on; I will go into the garage and lay on it with his jacket around me and I feel so close to him there. [and of course, cry some more] I know it will get better….but it will take a lot of time.

This is me dragging my broken heart around with my wagon....
IN BETWEEN:
Darlene Hanna picked me up to go listen to Raeman at the Brewery in Slippery Rock. I was still not up to par but we stayed for a bit and Raeman took his break with us as well as the drummer, Steve McMurray. Max Schang was, as usual, buddying up to his fans...he is the lead of the group; Max Schang and friends.
MY JOB:
I was nominated for a RockStar Award. I won $100 in gift cards; I picked Lowe's and Home Depot. [ Patio set?] The letter sent on my behalf is a good read.
My boss, Andy Crouse, said: Congratulations! You are a really good example of why KeyPoint is the best place to work!
THE LETTER:
I want to nominate Julia Miller because she really is amazing. Last week I had a case in which two days before the CD [critical date] we needed to get sources from all over the country interviewed and the case reviewed. I thought the situation was hopeless, that we would miss the CD, but Julia appeared to drop everything and went to work on this case immediately. She contacted all of the FM's [field managers] on the case and CC'd myself and others working the case so we were all in the loop. She must have worked on this case for hours, reviewing it, getting the various sources scheduled for interview, letting everyone know what the status was, etc. It was so impressive; the work she put into the case to ensure it made it by the CD. She also followed up the next day with FM's and Investigators regarding open items to ensure the case didn't miss the CD.

Throughout all of this stress Julia was so cheerful and pleasant to work with! She wrote replies with feedback telling everyone, "good job" and "everything looks good", etc. I was so impressed by how much work she put into it and how pleasant she made such a stressful situation for everyone. She took what I thought was a hopeless situation and made it work.

I hope she gets some form of reward or recognition for all of the hard work she did; but more importantly, the positive attitude she had during the whole ordeal. She was a pleasure to work with!

Sincerely,
Karen L.

Learning about Grief

Photo taken June 1st - just 4 short days before Todd went to heaven.

I am learning about grief counseling (from the internet):

Each person looks at the world through a different set of lenses, and as a result, one's ‘dances', ‘steps', upbringing, hopes, dreams, and healing are dependent on many factors. Grief counseling and therapy are about sharing a person's journey before or after a death. The focus is on companioning them during difficult times and not rescuing or fixing them, and about listening to their stories and thoughts with an open mind and open heart. (My family and friends have played an important role in my own personal grief 'counseling'.)

Because grief is a process and not an event, what takes place along the grief journey may alter how one continues to cope and adapt to loss.

It is the assumption that if one knows a person is going to die then the grief after the death is not as intense as if the death were a surprise. However, is this really true?
According to clinician, researcher and writer Therese Rando,

Anticipatory grief is the phenomenon encompassing the process of mourning, coping, interaction, planning, and psychosocial reorganization that are stimulated and begun in part in response to the awareness of the impending loss of a loved one and the recognition of associated losses in the past, present, and future. It is seldom explicitly recognized, but the truly therapeutic experience of anticipatory grief mandates a delicate balance among the mutually conflicting demands of simultaneously holding onto, letting go of, and drawing closer to the dying patient.

Todd,
I am still taking one step at a time. It is hard but you 'counseled' me starting last summer, letting me know you wanted me to go on and be happy and keep living. I am getting a 'handle' on this widow thing. The boys are awesome, just like you hoped they would be!! Will and Cody are loving their mom! Your memories are helping us all get through this process of grieving.
We love you, my friend!!
Jelly Bean

Joking or serious.....

Whether Todd was joking or serious - I loved that man!! He could do almost anything and if he did not know, he would read up on it or call someone and ASK. My Todd was not afraid to ask and learn new things. I must take lessons from my jokester of a husband. I still think in my mind, what would Todd do in this situation?

I am learning to do things on my own; feels very different to me. Todd taught me many things about living and loving. Toward the end of his life he always would ask, "Do you mind if I don't go along?" He was always courteous. I could talk to him about most everything. That is what I miss. Someone to talk to and go places with.

I ventured out in the rain/thunderstorm yesterday afternoon to listen to a One in Spirit concert at Wolf Creek Church near Slippery Rock. I got there too late, they were already done but I visited with the McCommons' for a bit under the big tents.

I wanted to stop at True Value in Slippery Rock but they were already closed. A mouse chewed a hole in my ice-maker water line and I need to get a new one. I stopped at Trader Horn and got some other fix-it stuff for the house. There is always something to do to keep the place in order. This all was Todd's job and I must learn how to do it myself. I wish I had paid more attention to the "how-to's" in the last few years!!

Friday was Will's 26th birthday and he celebrated with a small party at our cabin on the 58 acres. Just a few friends and MOM. It is not every mother who will 'party' with their kids, but I do. I drank a few wine coolers as we sat around the fire Friday evening. It was a nice evening, no rain and no bears!!

Yesterday I kept busy all day; helped while Cody cut up a fallen tree in the backyard - I carried the 'brush' and his friend Ryan helped, too. Then they built me a set of corn hole bean bag toss games. Now I must paint them and buy the bags. Sounds like a great project, I can't wait. Took the kids to King's for lunch and then home again for another project. I cleaned the oven!! What a hard job - because I have put it off for so long. This morning will be church. Tomorrow night is Zumba at our church at 6 p.m. One of our Zumba teachers went to Haiti on a mission project. Good luck to her!!

I also need to waterproof the picnic table and perhaps the front porch. Cody needs to waterproof his new porch floor - I believe we have plenty left in the five gallon bucket I bought!! Okay - enough talk about work for now. I must get ready for church.
Life keeps moving and so must I. Wish you could help me, Todd!! Miss you bunches. Love you my forever friend!!