A simple article in the Reader's Digest got me thinking
about this subject.....breathing life in....breathing life out.
Think about all the ways we talk about a "breath".
you take one,
you lose one,
you steal one,
you hold one,
you waste one,
you save one,
you run out of [breath]....the combinations go on and on.
I watched Todd heave for air. I watched his eyes open wide in fright. His lungs were trying to do the simple act we take for granted. A simple act that we don't think much about - taking a breath. I know he is at peace now but that does not stop my tears from falling. I cry myself to sleep, holding onto his teddy bear that I gave him. I have put his favorite cologne on the ribbon around its neck, just to catch the smell of him again. In the morning, I look at his belt I have on my dresser. I look at the empty side of the bed. This morning my eyes are puffy, again. This morning I think I can go through this day...but when night comes, I think too much.
Lord, give me the strength for another day. Todd, I miss you!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Don't waste your days...
Miss no single opportunity
of making some small sacrifice,
here by a smiling look,
there by a kindly word; always doing the smaller right
and doing it all for love.
St. Thérèse of Lisieux
I look at Todd's smiling face in the photo waving to me from our front porch and want to go sit with him again. We had some nice times talking, drinking coffee, visiting with friends and neighbors on our front porch - together. It just does not seem the same without him out smoking in the morning coolness. My heart is still actually aching for him, it is a physical hurt that does not want to go away. I miss him so much. I know I will never get him back - I can only dream of seeming him again in heaven. So cuddle with your loved ones today, give them a kiss, a hug, a kind word or two - show them love. They will treasure all the love you can give them!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Another sad memory
Burying Todd's cremains was a hard thing to do. I sat with 'him' on my lap in the white cardboard box about as big as a small toaster, that was what was left of him. But there is so much more left of him in the world; little things he did, his smile, his jokes, his wedding band welded to mine forever, a few shirts and jeans, his teddy bear, his belt with the extra holes as he kept losing weight.....he will be dearly remembered by me and so many others. The entire immediate Miller family came as well as my mom, Darren and Shelly, Rick and Barb, Will, Cody and Amanda. It was a full crowd to say good bye.
We had planned on starting at 6 p.m. but the tolling of the United Methodist Church bells had their 'say' first. After they were done, it started raining so we gathered under a large tree (there was no thunder/lightning). Jeremy Stouffer conducted the short service; a few told of memories, a poem was read and prayers were said. When the service was done, Todd's sister Tammy noticed, just as it quit raining - a cloud opened up into the shape of a heart - thank you Todd for watching over us this day and giving that poignant sign of our unending love. The only rain we had yesterday was during the 10 minute service!! Cody walked the cremains over to the grave and gently placed Todd on top of his father's vault. I shoveled the first dirt into the hole and invited the rest to follow....it was a time for tears, sorry Todd - we could not laugh, we could not hold back our tears for you. Until we meet again, dear one, we love you bunches....
We had planned on starting at 6 p.m. but the tolling of the United Methodist Church bells had their 'say' first. After they were done, it started raining so we gathered under a large tree (there was no thunder/lightning). Jeremy Stouffer conducted the short service; a few told of memories, a poem was read and prayers were said. When the service was done, Todd's sister Tammy noticed, just as it quit raining - a cloud opened up into the shape of a heart - thank you Todd for watching over us this day and giving that poignant sign of our unending love. The only rain we had yesterday was during the 10 minute service!! Cody walked the cremains over to the grave and gently placed Todd on top of his father's vault. I shoveled the first dirt into the hole and invited the rest to follow....it was a time for tears, sorry Todd - we could not laugh, we could not hold back our tears for you. Until we meet again, dear one, we love you bunches....
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sadness
I have been very sad the last few days. I have planned Todd's 'inurnment' for Sunday evening at 6 p.m. - I think it will be final then, I guess. His ashes will be buried in a small vault placed on his father's vault; my boys are digging the hole. Todd wanted to be buried on his father's grave and that is allowed here in Pennsylvania - he first asked all of his siblings if they had a problem with that; no one did. It will be in Barkeyville Cemetery. My feelings are all mixed up inside of me; I am happy for Todd for finally meeting his Lord on June 5th, but I miss him so much; no one to talk to, no one to care for, no one to need me! It has been three weeks today since he passed away - a long/short three weeks.
Thursday night, my high school/college priest, Fr. John called me. He told me it was okay to cry - I lost part of my life and need to grieve so I cried a lot Thursday night - my eyes were very puffy the next morning. I had lunch with Darlene Hanna and Jill Tarr on Friday, then stopped in to see Cody and Amanda and then ran into town for a few things I could have lived without. When I came home, no one was there to greet me, I guess I will get used to that feeling....it will take awhile, I guess. At bedtime, I put a CD of relaxation music in my bedroom CD player and drifted off to sleep.
I can hear the dragline scraping deep in the ground about 1/4 mile from us as they are mining for coal (surface mining). It sounds like thunder. At times, I can feel them blasting with dynamite. I can also hear the trucks on Route 58 slowing down to turn onto Harmony Road to pick up a load; their jake brakes sure are noisy. The truck sounds remind me of Todd. There are many sounds this Saturday morning, birds chirping, a mower, cars...all except the one I long to hear again saying....."Have I told you yet today that I love you?"
Thursday night, my high school/college priest, Fr. John called me. He told me it was okay to cry - I lost part of my life and need to grieve so I cried a lot Thursday night - my eyes were very puffy the next morning. I had lunch with Darlene Hanna and Jill Tarr on Friday, then stopped in to see Cody and Amanda and then ran into town for a few things I could have lived without. When I came home, no one was there to greet me, I guess I will get used to that feeling....it will take awhile, I guess. At bedtime, I put a CD of relaxation music in my bedroom CD player and drifted off to sleep.
I can hear the dragline scraping deep in the ground about 1/4 mile from us as they are mining for coal (surface mining). It sounds like thunder. At times, I can feel them blasting with dynamite. I can also hear the trucks on Route 58 slowing down to turn onto Harmony Road to pick up a load; their jake brakes sure are noisy. The truck sounds remind me of Todd. There are many sounds this Saturday morning, birds chirping, a mower, cars...all except the one I long to hear again saying....."Have I told you yet today that I love you?"
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Lesson of the Five Balls revisited
This was written by Brian G. Dyson the CEO of Coca-Cola (from 1988 until 1994). Also used by James Patterson in his writings from Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas but he switched the word Spirit with Integrity.
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work – Family – Health – Friends – Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.
They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
How?
1. Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
2. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
4. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
5. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Do not be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.
7. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
8. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
9. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.
10. Do not forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
11. Do not be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
12. Do not use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work – Family – Health – Friends – Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.
They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
How?
1. Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
2. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
4. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
5. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Do not be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.
7. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
8. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
9. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.
10. Do not forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
11. Do not be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
12. Do not use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
Todd's Secret
So many people knew Todd. They expected jokes, humor and laughter. What you all did not know is he was a closet songwriter. He loved to sing to me all of his songs - songs about longing, lost love and wanting happiness. I asked him to write me a song, he never did. I think he only could write when he was heartbroken and sad. So, I think I truly made him happy and loved him for who he was. That thought makes me happy. I have been listening to a few tapes he had recorded many years ago, before I met the adult Todd -- oh, how I wish I found him sooner....
Send to me a woman
Send to me a woman
A woman I can love
Send to me a woman, Lord
Send her from above
A woman who will love this man
All his life through
Oh, send to me a woman, Lord
A woman who won't make me blue
Sometimes life goes on
Things ... they seem to change
Nothin' ever stays the same
... it was back then
So now we are a lookin'
For a brand new day
So send to me a woman, Lord
A woman who won't go away
Send to me a woman
A woman I can love
Send to me a woman, Lord
Send her from above
A woman who will understand
How to love this man
Send to me a woman, Lord
A woman to love this man
Send to me a woman
Send to me a woman
A woman I can love
Send to me a woman, Lord
Send her from above
A woman who will love this man
All his life through
Oh, send to me a woman, Lord
A woman who won't make me blue
Sometimes life goes on
Things ... they seem to change
Nothin' ever stays the same
... it was back then
So now we are a lookin'
For a brand new day
So send to me a woman, Lord
A woman who won't go away
Send to me a woman
A woman I can love
Send to me a woman, Lord
Send her from above
A woman who will understand
How to love this man
Send to me a woman, Lord
A woman to love this man
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
How big is your want to?
Have you ever set a goal but not achieved it? I know I have. I am pretty sure you have, too! The problem with not being able to follow through with the achievement is not having the willpower and gumption to succeed. I might have what is required: drive, spirit, boldness, courage, guts, spunk, nerve. I have a plan in my mind, thanks to my dear Todd, to get healthy and fit and live a longer life. He wanted me to be a big success with something (I guess nursing him to heaven was not big enough?). I will do my best, I will strive to prepare my way at being a better me - I can do it!! With God's help and my 'get down dandy', I can make it happen.
Ready, set, GO!!
Ready, set, GO!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Memories
Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul.
Margaret Wakeley
It has been wonderful to open my email each morning and see such words of wisdom. Thanks again, Aunt Helen, for sending me the information to receive the "Word of the Day" from www.gratefulness.org
I kept quite busy yesterday; a doctor's appointment for myself finally, a visit to my financial planner in Butler, a few phone calls, email, Facebook and finished the day by going to a fish fry at the Sue Miller residence. Dan, Nic and Jason caught many fish at Colangelo's pond and we devoured them last night. It was a good day and I slept all night!!
I think about Todd so many times during the day; little bits and pieces of our lives come to me and I smile. I miss him so much but I am happy that he is 'home'. He was never scared to die, his thoughts were of my being left here. He would tell the nurses that was his only 'worry' about dying; 'Will Julie be okay without me?' I am surviving, honey. I will be okay. I have been given a gift of strength. With my many friends and family, I will survive this roller coaster ride of life.
It is thundering out, bringing rain I hope. Rain is good for the plants, the grass and for making tears!! I could cry today and it will look like rain on my face!
Margaret Wakeley
It has been wonderful to open my email each morning and see such words of wisdom. Thanks again, Aunt Helen, for sending me the information to receive the "Word of the Day" from www.gratefulness.org
I kept quite busy yesterday; a doctor's appointment for myself finally, a visit to my financial planner in Butler, a few phone calls, email, Facebook and finished the day by going to a fish fry at the Sue Miller residence. Dan, Nic and Jason caught many fish at Colangelo's pond and we devoured them last night. It was a good day and I slept all night!!
I think about Todd so many times during the day; little bits and pieces of our lives come to me and I smile. I miss him so much but I am happy that he is 'home'. He was never scared to die, his thoughts were of my being left here. He would tell the nurses that was his only 'worry' about dying; 'Will Julie be okay without me?' I am surviving, honey. I will be okay. I have been given a gift of strength. With my many friends and family, I will survive this roller coaster ride of life.
It is thundering out, bringing rain I hope. Rain is good for the plants, the grass and for making tears!! I could cry today and it will look like rain on my face!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Keeping Busy
I guess I have been avoiding being alone with my thoughts, maybe I am scared to just sit and think about what I have lost in my life. I was so busy for so long helping Todd on the Cancer Journey that sitting still feels so foreign. This is my last week of 'not working' my paying job; I start back to work on June 28th. Our company, Keypoint Government Solutions, is growing quickly and all the helpers are needed, including me.
I need to be busy again this week; finish the thank you notes, clean out a few more cupboards, wash some rugs, dig through another box in the shed and get the scrapbook done for my nephew Zac!! What I really want to do is go away for a few days and wallow in self-pity but that will get me nowhere! My faith is keeping my grounded as well as friends who keep up with me by calling, texting or visiting. I have the greatest friends.
Sunday started with church; Cody and I attended as well as Jess and my church baby, Morgan. He is getting to be quite the squirmer and we got to hear him cry for once!! After church, Cody and I went to look at a Ford Ranger he wanted to see that was for sale. Amanda, Cody and I had lunch at King's. I visited with a long ago friend yesterday; we sat at a picnic table along the Allegheny River in Franklin catching up - she and I went through every grade together AND share the same birthdate. Debbie King and I had fun learning about each other's lives, a little bit at a time. It was another full day by the time I got home - I had also visited Sue Miller's family, most all were there; Jason, Danny's family and Nic.
Time to start another week here on the Miller Homestead!
BLESSINGS TO ALL
I need to be busy again this week; finish the thank you notes, clean out a few more cupboards, wash some rugs, dig through another box in the shed and get the scrapbook done for my nephew Zac!! What I really want to do is go away for a few days and wallow in self-pity but that will get me nowhere! My faith is keeping my grounded as well as friends who keep up with me by calling, texting or visiting. I have the greatest friends.
Sunday started with church; Cody and I attended as well as Jess and my church baby, Morgan. He is getting to be quite the squirmer and we got to hear him cry for once!! After church, Cody and I went to look at a Ford Ranger he wanted to see that was for sale. Amanda, Cody and I had lunch at King's. I visited with a long ago friend yesterday; we sat at a picnic table along the Allegheny River in Franklin catching up - she and I went through every grade together AND share the same birthdate. Debbie King and I had fun learning about each other's lives, a little bit at a time. It was another full day by the time I got home - I had also visited Sue Miller's family, most all were there; Jason, Danny's family and Nic.
Time to start another week here on the Miller Homestead!
BLESSINGS TO ALL
Sunday, June 20, 2010
With Sympathy
I still receive cards in the mail everyday. So many people cared about Todd and I - it is very humbling to look at the stack of cards and read through them. You all are so wonderful, caring and compassionate. Thanks for everything.
A saying in one card yesterday says it all for me:
when we love with all we have
we grieve with all we are
A saying in one card yesterday says it all for me:
when we love with all we have
we grieve with all we are
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Leaving yesterday behind
Last night the Miller brothers, their wives and Susan Miller came for a visit and did not leave until 11 p.m. - it was a fun evening of desserts and reminiscing. I had spent the day with my lovely grandchildren, Hannah and Kaylee. We did a few yard sales, Wal-Mart, a picnic in the park with bread, cheese and grape juice, fed the ducks, a trip to Franklin to visit my mom and then came home. Am I avoiding being alone? I think so. Last night was a sad night after everyone left...I sure am missing my Todd!
Todd left me all of his tapes and written songs - he would not let me listen to them when he was here and could sing to me. He was a closet songwriter and I love to listen to his voice on the tapes singing...here is my favorite, written before he and I got together:
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Thinking back on yesterday when I was just a kid
Memories of younger days and crazy things I did
Now all my childhood days are no longer mine
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Tomorrow will be brighter, when the sun comes up
A new lover will come along and drink from my lovin' cup
A new face that will replace those old memories in my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Todd left me all of his tapes and written songs - he would not let me listen to them when he was here and could sing to me. He was a closet songwriter and I love to listen to his voice on the tapes singing...here is my favorite, written before he and I got together:
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Thinking back on yesterday when I was just a kid
Memories of younger days and crazy things I did
Now all my childhood days are no longer mine
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Tomorrow will be brighter, when the sun comes up
A new lover will come along and drink from my lovin' cup
A new face that will replace those old memories in my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Lookin' for happiness, I'm trying to find.
Someone to make me happy, So I don't lose my mind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Yes, I am lookin' for tomorrow, leaving yesterday behind
Friday, June 18, 2010
Strength
To open deeply, as genuine spiritual life requires,
we need tremendous courage and strength,
a kind of warrior spirit.
But the place for this warrior strength is in the heart.
Jack Kornfield
A Path with Heart
I will be strong because I am strong. I will go on because I want to go on. My spirit will not die. I have Todd's vision of heaven in my thoughts and can see him there with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.
I had a slumber party last night! My two 'grandchildren' - Hannah and Kaylee, Becky and her kids; Maddie and Gabby. I had them all alone at first - ages 8, 7, 7 and 6. Becky came about 9:30 with wine for us. The kids did not get to watch TV until it was dark outside. It was quite the eye-opener of the evening. My last slumber party was in third grade, I think. They helped me look through a box of Todd's things from the shed. I am proud of myself for respecting Todd's privacy....the letters he received from his fiancee when he was in training for the reserves went into the trash without me even peeking one little bit; I respect that he had a life before me.
We found a teddy bear I had bought him when we were dating and lots of my 'love letters' to him. Wow! This is one from our first Valentine's Day in 1995:
Todd
I fell in absolute love with a man who turned out to be all I ever dreamed off. You are that man and I want to let you know today - on this very special day - that I am very happy and still find you to be the man of my dreams. You are nice, compassionate, romantic, sincere, loving, caring, understanding and respectful.
Darling, I have only hugs and kisses for you.
Love you bunches,
Julie
we need tremendous courage and strength,
a kind of warrior spirit.
But the place for this warrior strength is in the heart.
Jack Kornfield
A Path with Heart
I will be strong because I am strong. I will go on because I want to go on. My spirit will not die. I have Todd's vision of heaven in my thoughts and can see him there with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.
I had a slumber party last night! My two 'grandchildren' - Hannah and Kaylee, Becky and her kids; Maddie and Gabby. I had them all alone at first - ages 8, 7, 7 and 6. Becky came about 9:30 with wine for us. The kids did not get to watch TV until it was dark outside. It was quite the eye-opener of the evening. My last slumber party was in third grade, I think. They helped me look through a box of Todd's things from the shed. I am proud of myself for respecting Todd's privacy....the letters he received from his fiancee when he was in training for the reserves went into the trash without me even peeking one little bit; I respect that he had a life before me.
We found a teddy bear I had bought him when we were dating and lots of my 'love letters' to him. Wow! This is one from our first Valentine's Day in 1995:
Todd
I fell in absolute love with a man who turned out to be all I ever dreamed off. You are that man and I want to let you know today - on this very special day - that I am very happy and still find you to be the man of my dreams. You are nice, compassionate, romantic, sincere, loving, caring, understanding and respectful.
Darling, I have only hugs and kisses for you.
Love you bunches,
Julie
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dance in the Rain
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
I am doing okay. I have many sad moments throughout the day but I sleep all night, a hard sleep without waking! Todd would be so proud of me. I think back on his last few days and it was so hard to see him with all the weight he lost and the blank stare in his eyes. I will cherish the memory of his last wink for me on the day before he died. I so wanted to connect with him one more time and I asked him to wink at me as he could not talk....I got my last wink from my best friend, my lover, my life!
I cleaned out Todd's briefcase yesterday....I found a few "Atta boy!" emails from when he worked at Airport Orbit. They received compliments from their customers concerning Todd:
My driver yesteday was Todd Miller...he was great...please add him to my 'priority preferred driver' list when I use your service.
Thank you for providing my mom with wonderful service on her trip to the Pittsburgh Airport. She enjoyed the ride with the gentleman who picked her up. His name was Todd Miller. She would like to request that "Mr. Miller" pick her up when she returns. I would like to further say, Mr. Miller has placed a lasting impression on my mother and your company. He is an asset and a GREAT marketing tool as my mother will be hanging your flyer at all of the BINGO events she attends.
Todd sure had a way with the women.....in a very gentlemanly way! I miss him so much! But I will try to dance in the rain...
I am doing okay. I have many sad moments throughout the day but I sleep all night, a hard sleep without waking! Todd would be so proud of me. I think back on his last few days and it was so hard to see him with all the weight he lost and the blank stare in his eyes. I will cherish the memory of his last wink for me on the day before he died. I so wanted to connect with him one more time and I asked him to wink at me as he could not talk....I got my last wink from my best friend, my lover, my life!
I cleaned out Todd's briefcase yesterday....I found a few "Atta boy!" emails from when he worked at Airport Orbit. They received compliments from their customers concerning Todd:
My driver yesteday was Todd Miller...he was great...please add him to my 'priority preferred driver' list when I use your service.
Thank you for providing my mom with wonderful service on her trip to the Pittsburgh Airport. She enjoyed the ride with the gentleman who picked her up. His name was Todd Miller. She would like to request that "Mr. Miller" pick her up when she returns. I would like to further say, Mr. Miller has placed a lasting impression on my mother and your company. He is an asset and a GREAT marketing tool as my mother will be hanging your flyer at all of the BINGO events she attends.
Todd sure had a way with the women.....in a very gentlemanly way! I miss him so much! But I will try to dance in the rain...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Little Reminders
Every day I notice things that remind me of Todd as I am holding his memory close to my heart. I saw a couple walking hand in hand and remember with fondness that is how we strolled into the grocery store or up our lane to get the mail, hand in hand. In the bathroom, his whisker remnants are still stuck in the mirror tracks of the cabinet above the sink. His workbench in the garage is full of handwritten notes of plans and ideas. Will has his phone and Todd's voice was still the greeting until the other day - that was a little bit unnerving when I called and heard his voice. When at the Credit Union yesterday, I saw someone who did not know of his passing. Before he could ask about Todd, I told him. I didn't want him to ask me how Todd was doing! I know it will get better, I have faith that your prayers are still keeping me strong. I have been preparing for this living alone since we heard the news so many months ago.
I went out with friends to listen to the Max Schang band; Max, Raeman Hanna and Steve McMurray at the "brew pub" in Slippery Rock. Darlene, Carolyn and I had a good time with front row seats. I did not see anyone I knew - it felt weird to be out in a crowd without Todd. He always was making life fun with his jokes and quick witted comebacks. You are greatly missed, Mr. Todd!!
I went out with friends to listen to the Max Schang band; Max, Raeman Hanna and Steve McMurray at the "brew pub" in Slippery Rock. Darlene, Carolyn and I had a good time with front row seats. I did not see anyone I knew - it felt weird to be out in a crowd without Todd. He always was making life fun with his jokes and quick witted comebacks. You are greatly missed, Mr. Todd!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Three Hundred Days
It was three hundred days from August 13th 2009 until Todd's funeral, June 8th 2010- a very short nine months of ups and downs, tears and laughter, hope and despair until finally... peace.
I think back to that day of Todd's diagnosis:
"August 13th - Thursday
When we saw Dr. El Khatib for the results of the biopsy (we opted for in person results instead of by phone), we were told the results - metastatic squamous cell carcinoma - the word CANCER rocked our world in a not so very nice way. Todd acted cool with it - I was sitting there with this nice doctor looking over the tops of his glasses at me, with this searing, radiating heat in my chest, spreading throughout my body. Todd smiled and said not to worry. He is so strong and full of faith."
We traveled a long path through those many months of treatment and hope. We were never angry with GOD, not one little bit. We talked so many times of our past, present and future. Not many are lucky enough to have that privilege to perhaps see an end in sight. He wished at the end he would have quit smoking so we could have grown old together. He gave me confidence to be who I am and encouraged my many hobbies - he loved me to be creative and enjoy life. I am at peace knowing he is in a better place, one I will see when God is done with my time on Earth.
I was reading through the Hospice reports of Todd's failing health and one thing stood out clear in all of them; "patient has a supportive family, family is present at all times, patient's wife is very loving, caring and involved." All of those reports make me feel so proud to have been his wife and to have kept our vows of ‘in sickness and in health'. He is greatly missed and my heart actually aches for him but as everyone has been saying, I am strong, I will survive.
One of my favorite memories of our last days together....from May 25th:
"What a beautiful day we had on Monday! The sky was that deep blue with a few white fluffy clouds. Todd and I both love sitting on the back deck looking out upon the yard and trees enjoying the scenery and talking about life. I do most of the talking - Todd is very confused with this thoughts and sayings. I did get a compliment from him yesterday. He told me I was a ‘get-down dandy'. At least I think it was a compliment."
I think back to that day of Todd's diagnosis:
"August 13th - Thursday
When we saw Dr. El Khatib for the results of the biopsy (we opted for in person results instead of by phone), we were told the results - metastatic squamous cell carcinoma - the word CANCER rocked our world in a not so very nice way. Todd acted cool with it - I was sitting there with this nice doctor looking over the tops of his glasses at me, with this searing, radiating heat in my chest, spreading throughout my body. Todd smiled and said not to worry. He is so strong and full of faith."
We traveled a long path through those many months of treatment and hope. We were never angry with GOD, not one little bit. We talked so many times of our past, present and future. Not many are lucky enough to have that privilege to perhaps see an end in sight. He wished at the end he would have quit smoking so we could have grown old together. He gave me confidence to be who I am and encouraged my many hobbies - he loved me to be creative and enjoy life. I am at peace knowing he is in a better place, one I will see when God is done with my time on Earth.
I was reading through the Hospice reports of Todd's failing health and one thing stood out clear in all of them; "patient has a supportive family, family is present at all times, patient's wife is very loving, caring and involved." All of those reports make me feel so proud to have been his wife and to have kept our vows of ‘in sickness and in health'. He is greatly missed and my heart actually aches for him but as everyone has been saying, I am strong, I will survive.
One of my favorite memories of our last days together....from May 25th:
"What a beautiful day we had on Monday! The sky was that deep blue with a few white fluffy clouds. Todd and I both love sitting on the back deck looking out upon the yard and trees enjoying the scenery and talking about life. I do most of the talking - Todd is very confused with this thoughts and sayings. I did get a compliment from him yesterday. He told me I was a ‘get-down dandy'. At least I think it was a compliment."
Monday, June 14, 2010
Memories and Moments
I handled my first night alone. It was a tiring day full of many activities. Jenn and I attended church with Will, Cody and mom. My church baby, Morgan, was there with his mom, Jessica. It was a nice day - we had a fellow church member speak - Jeremy did a great job. The music was enlightening - it was all about kids! It was the kick-off of planning for the church's Bible School the last week of July. We made it home by 12:30 p.m. Jenn and I grabbed a bite to eat and then left for the airport in Pittsburgh.
We had a nice talk on the way to the airport - lots of Todd Memories and Moments from the last few weeks. Little things come back to me and bursts of laughter or tears are the result. I miss him so much - our pillow talks, looking out at our wildlife and flowers and trees, enjoying our coffee on the porch in the mornings, discussing the plans for the day - it all seems like it could still be enjoyed but they are all just lingering memories now. I will cherish our last moments together. I don't want to forget watching the pulse in his neck finally stopping - that is the moment he met Jesus. I don't want to forget the very heavy pain in my heart as I cried and stroked his arm, chest and face - he fought a good fight but now he is where he knew he would always be - heaven is his home now and he is a happy man.
I will be okay; I have many, many friends and family waiting to catch me if I fall. I have plenty of tissues to wipe my eyes and my grieving must take its course. I just really miss him; my friend, my husband, my life!
We had a nice talk on the way to the airport - lots of Todd Memories and Moments from the last few weeks. Little things come back to me and bursts of laughter or tears are the result. I miss him so much - our pillow talks, looking out at our wildlife and flowers and trees, enjoying our coffee on the porch in the mornings, discussing the plans for the day - it all seems like it could still be enjoyed but they are all just lingering memories now. I will cherish our last moments together. I don't want to forget watching the pulse in his neck finally stopping - that is the moment he met Jesus. I don't want to forget the very heavy pain in my heart as I cried and stroked his arm, chest and face - he fought a good fight but now he is where he knew he would always be - heaven is his home now and he is a happy man.
I will be okay; I have many, many friends and family waiting to catch me if I fall. I have plenty of tissues to wipe my eyes and my grieving must take its course. I just really miss him; my friend, my husband, my life!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What a tribute!
The hot, busy day was a long one. Up early and to bed late, Jenn and I are trying to squeeze so much into each day before her flight back to Austin this afternoon. The house is seriously decluttered and flowing again thanks to her organization skills and endless energy. Thank you so much for helping me through this past week. You are the best!
We spent the morning decluttering my work office and gathering all of my scrapbooking supplies into one space to be sorted later. We took a quick trip into Grove City for lunch with my scrapbooking friends at the monthly crop - I hope to have time next month to attend the all day event. We both took a short nap when we got home - the day was so hot, humid and full of unrelenting heat. It feels like August in Pennsylvania instead of June.
Todd's hospice nurse, James, and his sister, Cheryl, met us here at the house for a quick bite before we headed up to the coffee house in Barkeyville. There was quite a big crowd to enjoy the many performers. The best part of the evening was that Todd's brother's, Tom and Tim, made their first trip to hear the 'homegrown' musicians. Sue, Donna, Etta and Mikayla were also there. My brother Darren, and his wife Shelly attended for the second time - it is growing on them, too. Todd and I have attended the Coffee House since it started five years ago. He sure loved the once a month evenings.
James and Cheryl enjoyed the music and visiting with so many of our friends and relatives. James and Todd formed a special bond during his illness and James is continuing his friendship with my kids and me. He is a good counselor/LPN and wants us to heal but to remember Todd and the many ways he made us smile.
Raeman and Darlene made sure they played Todd's Nighttime Daydreamer song that they put to music last month. They did a tremendous job.
Nighttime daydreamer
he's a nighttime daydreamer
sitting at the wheel
rolling down the open road
on his horse of steel
he's awake all through the night
‘til the break of dawn
he's the nighttime daydreamer
he's gonna keep rollin' on
loving thoughts of family
are on his mind tonight
as he rolls down the highway
in the nightime moonlight
staring through the windshield
daydreaming about his wife
wondering about all the geometry
of this thing we call life
he's lived his life in God's eyes'
and talks to him each night
he knows where is is going
when Earth's light is turned out
We spent the morning decluttering my work office and gathering all of my scrapbooking supplies into one space to be sorted later. We took a quick trip into Grove City for lunch with my scrapbooking friends at the monthly crop - I hope to have time next month to attend the all day event. We both took a short nap when we got home - the day was so hot, humid and full of unrelenting heat. It feels like August in Pennsylvania instead of June.
Todd's hospice nurse, James, and his sister, Cheryl, met us here at the house for a quick bite before we headed up to the coffee house in Barkeyville. There was quite a big crowd to enjoy the many performers. The best part of the evening was that Todd's brother's, Tom and Tim, made their first trip to hear the 'homegrown' musicians. Sue, Donna, Etta and Mikayla were also there. My brother Darren, and his wife Shelly attended for the second time - it is growing on them, too. Todd and I have attended the Coffee House since it started five years ago. He sure loved the once a month evenings.
James and Cheryl enjoyed the music and visiting with so many of our friends and relatives. James and Todd formed a special bond during his illness and James is continuing his friendship with my kids and me. He is a good counselor/LPN and wants us to heal but to remember Todd and the many ways he made us smile.
Raeman and Darlene made sure they played Todd's Nighttime Daydreamer song that they put to music last month. They did a tremendous job.
Nighttime daydreamer
he's a nighttime daydreamer
sitting at the wheel
rolling down the open road
on his horse of steel
he's awake all through the night
‘til the break of dawn
he's the nighttime daydreamer
he's gonna keep rollin' on
loving thoughts of family
are on his mind tonight
as he rolls down the highway
in the nightime moonlight
staring through the windshield
daydreaming about his wife
wondering about all the geometry
of this thing we call life
he's lived his life in God's eyes'
and talks to him each night
he knows where is is going
when Earth's light is turned out
Saturday, June 12, 2010
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
this poem was read at my dear husband's funeral
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author believed to be
David Romano
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author believed to be
David Romano
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
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