Dear Todd,

The days of fall have arrived with cool, cool nights and breezes, too. It would be nice to chat with you around a bonfire and talk about whatever. I remember how we loved looking into the coals and just telling stories and our dreams for the future. Will was here yesterday and I had him rearrange the living room to open up the fireplace. I am still debating on whether to turn the cable TV back on - the dark nights will be lonely without some noise in the house to block out any 'scary' noises outside.

I have been getting some 'things' done around the house - I hired a handyman. Jeff Bon is a "Jeff of all trades" and he loves to talk - he is 5 years older than me and single so I don't have to worry about taking him away from a wife when he works for me. He is a great friend already. Tomorrow he is going to go purchase the siding for the mobile home - it will be re-insulated and re-sided before too long. I am getting gutters and downspouts as well. He already put the de-icer heat coils on the roof to prevent ice build-up this winter. I have paid for the winter's propane allotment and I am almost ready for winter. Jeff is going to work for mom tomorrow afternoon for a bit, she is missing you, and all of the odd jobs you were able to do for her. We all miss you. Last year at this time, we were just beginning the journey that ended in June. I have a lump in my throat now - you sure put up a good fight, buddy. You were an inspiration to so many people. Live until you die!

Today is the last day of the fiscal year for the government and my short break is now over, I have a few more cases to check and then I will be finished for the evening. Another day, another year starts tomorrow.

Love you always.

julie

Wagon Trails Safari

What a fun time! This is a must for ALL of you animal lovers out there. It is only an hour from Barkeyville, in Vienna, OH - just off of the Belmont Avenue exit on I-80. Our church took a bus over and a few cars. The day was full of tongues and mouths reaching for food pellets. Lots of loving and laughing.

A Grand Canyon-sized Hole

Last month, a work friend, Shara, gave me a book to read. This tearjerker, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse by H. Norman Wright, is an awesome book. Subtitled The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope. The introduction starts out like this:
"This is a book I never planned to write or ever even wanted to write. We're all aware death will invade our lives at some time, but it's never to our liking. The loss of a beloved partner who has been by your side for a short time or for almost half a century, creates a Grand Canyon-sized hole in your life. The present and future are changed drastically."
With chapters titled Changing "We" to "I", Avoiding Pain, When You Seem Stuck and Alive in Your Memory, this book covers it all. No question is left unanswered and you can very much tell that the author lost the love of his life.

I mentioned to Pastor Rob about a book I would like to read...did he have it in his collection? Next time I saw him he said he ordered the out of print book, The Walk. Authored by Michael Card, Christian recording artist, it is about the life-changing journey of two friends; the author and his mentor, Dr. Bill Lane. When Bill was diagnosed with cancer, he told Michael, "I want to show you how a Christian man dies". I thought this could have been written about Todd. Todd was raised a Methodist but God is still God. We all walk the same earth, created by Him. Saturday I stopped up to the parsonage and picked it up. It is a very short book, I finished it last night. What a heartwarming story, many messages of discipleship and friendship. It was a tearjerker at the end, of course!

Little Things

................................May 8th Barkeyville Coffee House................................

The icemaker in the refrigerator/freezer has a rumbling noise it makes when the ice tumbles out - it sounds like a cough at times and I think of Todd.

I have NOT had to adjust my Honda's rearview mirror in a LONG time. Todd and I shared my car and he was taller then me so the adjustment was always necessary for both of us.

I was in the garage looking for something and discovered an ashtray with some of Todd's cigarette butts.

When picking out an acorn squash at the local farmer's market, I was again revisiting Todd's first home cooked meal for us on our third week anniversary of dating. He made each of us stuffed Cornish Hens, acorn squash and a nice salad. He cheated on the salad. He bought them somewhere and put them in his own bowls. He was such a romantic; albeit a sneaky one.

These little things keep reminding me of what I am missing; Todd.

milquetoast

Definition from Wiktionary, the free dictionary

I found this word in an article on the internet describing what someone ‘wasn't'. I had never seen this word in print before - I must read more. Of course, I had to look up the meaning:
meek, timid
a person of meek or timid disposition
From the character Caspar Milquetoast of the comic strip The Timid Soul, created by Harold Webster and first published in 1924.
The character's name is a deliberate misspelling of the name of a bland and fairly inoffensive food, milk toast. Milk toast, light and easy to digest, is an appropriate food for someone with a weak or "nervous" stomach. Because of the popularity of Webster's character, the term milquetoast came into general usage in American English to mean "weak and ineffectual" or "plain and unadventurous." When the term is used to describe a person, it typically indicates someone of an unusually meek, bland, soft or submissive nature, who is easily overlooked, written off, and who may also appear overly sensitive, timid, indecisive or cowardly.
For the first half of the 20th Century Harold Tucker Webster was a popular cartoonist who didn't change his style with the times. His later drawings seem stuck in an earlier era, but that only added to the charm. The character, Caspar Milquetoast, was Webster's most popular, and lives on by name as a man who lacks courage. We all know a Caspar Milquetoast. Sometimes Webster used subtlety, as in the drawing where the census taker asks, "Are you the head of the household?" Caspar's sidelong glance at his wife tells us all we need to know.

9/11 - Did you know?

9/11 Tear Drop Memorial from Russia


Variously known as "The Tear of Grief," "The Teardrop Memorial," and "The Memorial at Harbor View Park" — as well as by its official name, "To the Struggle Against World Terrorism" — this monument to the victims of 9/11 was built by Russian artist Zurab Tsereteli on the waterfront of Bayonne Harbor, New Jersey and publicly dedicated on September 11, 2006. It was, in the words of Vladimir Putin, "a gift from the Russian people."

The monument comprises a 100-foot-tall bronze tower with a jagged split down the middle and a 40-foot-long stainless steel teardrop suspended in the gap. It stands on an 11-sided slab of black marble carved with the names of every person who died in the September 11 attack, as well as the victims of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. The brightly lit memorial is visible even at night from the Statue of Liberty, Battery Park, the Staten Island Ferry, and other locations around the Hudson River.

Though not well known in the United States, Zurab Tsereteli is renowned for his work in Russia, as well as public sculptures he has erected all around the world. He reportedly spent $12 million of his own money to complete the Bayonne Harbor monument.

We will never forget where we were, what we were doing and how we felt that horrible day. Please pray for peace.

Russell Restaurant Review

I had the pleasure of being invited to my Uncle Bruce and Aunt Sue's for the evening. It is just a hop, skip and a jump down Harmony Road. My cousin Regan and husband Drew along with Baby Maggie Moo were there as well. It was an evening to enjoy. Visiting, looking at trip photos and playing with little Maggie while sitting out in the cool evening air on their patio made for a very pleasant night. Uncle Bruce is quite the chef now that he is retired [he always a good grill master, I am sure]. Tonight's delicious entree was a variety of shish kebabs. Steak, chicken or shrimp interspersed with pineapple, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, onions and green or yellow bell peppers made for a beautiful skewer of yumminess! They were delicious. Thanks for the nice evening!

DID YOU KNOW? "The term shish kebab comes from Turkish words literally meaning "skewer" and "roast meat," and it is a signature Turkish meal. Kebabs were a natural solution for nomadic tribes. Unusual meats were marinated not only to tenderize, but also to get rid of some of the gamey flavor."

Baby say you love me

This is one title of Todd's tapes of snippets of songs he used to record when he was driving truck. Most are about lost love and memories and dreaming about changes. It is something I like to listen to now and then. Too much listening and I get depressed. I love listening to his voice, it is almost like he is singing to me again. He had such a nice voice but was afraid to sing in front of a group. He would always sing and make up songs when we did road trips or just to Grove City. He was my one of a kind Todd!!

He recorded bits and pieces of thoughts and reflections of his feelings, long ago in the 80's and early 90's. He did not sing any more lonely songs after we started dating, I guess he wasn't looking for lost love anymore. I was good for him!! I can hear the truck noises in the background of the tapes, it makes it so real. I am glad I have his voice to keep me company on lonely nights. It makes me want to hug him and tell him it will all be okay, I wish he could do that to me. Okay, I made myself cry. Heartache abounds tonight as the tears fall off my cheeks.


Baby say you love me ... You want me to be your man
Hey baby, my heart ... it will understand
Baby say you love me ... Say you always will
You'll love me forever...baby, until time stands still

Phil Keaggy

http://www.philkeaggy.com/about.aspx

I had an opportunity to attend a Phil Keaggy concert in Franklin Friday night. It was a great evening with a sold out crowd of lovers of Phil Keaggy's awesome and talented vocals and instrumental masterpieces with his band, Glass Harp.

Teddy

Garfield and I both like our Teddy's. Mine is Todd's from when we were dating and I bought it for him. I now spritz him with Todd's favorite cologne, Curve, and he smells just like Todd always did. Teddy and I have a standing date each night, who says a 51 year old can't sleep with a Teddy Bear AND listen to him each night? He keeps me sane for now.

Journaling

My attempt at the log cabin with applique quilting from a class I took. It is hard to keep straight lines for me but I still like my wall hanging.
Some of you like to write and some of you don't. I never kept a journal before Todd was diagnosed with lung cancer. Now I don't know what I would do without that 'book' of memories that I kept so faithfully for those last nine months of his life here on earth. Now, when I write, I am coming to grips with being a widow, alone in the world and living a different kind of life.

It is all about ME now. I am in charge of everything; dining, visiting, decision-making, financial, friends and get-togethers. It is a lot of change to balance on my shoulders - no one is here to ask their opinion.

Writing gives me a chance to capture moments in my life; both present and past. I can write about a topic of the day, a letter to Todd, a thought that needs expanded upon and perhaps a time line of life. I suggest you all try it sometime - it is good therapy for whatever ails you. I have plans for this blog - maybe you will all be surprised about what I write about and maybe you won't. I will put what's in my heart, all the tangled up feelings and thoughts -- I hope we all benefit from at least one thing now and then.