A Good Week

An old fall photo of the deck before weather proofing; there are a lot of pickets!!









I think 'I' accomplished a lot this week. The deck has been weatherproofed with Thomspon's Weather sealer; James did the bulk of the picket railings on Thursday while Tim and I helped. I did the deck itself on Friday. It is looking very nice. I had a night out with friends at their camp at Kozy Rest on Friday night. I had dinner out with friends on Thursday night. Life just never slows down here at the Miller Homestead. Ted came and did weed-eating Thursday night, Cody and Will did mowing and weed-deating earlier in the week as well.

An AGWAY water system was installed on Wednesday as well as a new hot water tank. I can now take a shower without running out of hot water. I now have non-red water that requires a salt treatment and desanitization - the water was slimy and we put up with it for too many years; carrying water to drink and cook with. We only used it to shower and wash clothes; now I can BUY a white shirt!

Next on the agenda is the garage ceiling to be painted and Ted is lining up the scaffolding for me to make that an easier task. Then lots to rearrange and line up and organize. Someday, I hope to have a garage warming party after it is all looking nice and orderly. You all are invited!

Life is good, GOD IS GOOD, all the time.

Happy Anniversary Honey

Todd,

I was dreading this day since you passed away. Monday July 26th would have marked 14 years of marriage for us. The ups and downs, highs and lows, rainy or sunny days were lived each with you by my side. So many times now I wish I could tell you something but you are not there. I want to ask you a question and you are not there. I need your advice on something and you are not there. I think about you every day, every hour and did not realize how much I loved you until your were not part of my life anymore. Sure, we always told each other of our love, you mostly with your "Did I tell you yet today how much I love you?". I will never forget our special bond with that saying. You are in my heart and will always be part of my soul. I will always remember you as a happy man. Yes, I know you liked to argue about politics and religion and discipline and road rage.....but you could really debate like the best of the best! You taught me so many things about life. How to drive and not make the truckers mad, how to use tough love when the kids were younger, how to change the filter under the sink, how to use your tools like drills, circular saws and jigsaw... and how to be a good Christian. The list goes on and on and for that I am so thankful.

We spent only 21 months dating before we ‘tied the knot'. I remember you first told me you loved me after only about 3 weeks and you scared me. I was not ready to hear that from anyone. You convinced me you were a good man, a good friend and would make a good husband. You did not disappoint me! As we grow older, we mature and change and what you or I were like before did not matter - it only mattered that we got along, loved each other and were very compatible. We fit like a hand in a glove; where I was weak your were strong and vise versa. We made a good team. What I will miss the most is your humor - you could always make everyone laugh and enjoy life, you were so special in that way. I will miss you singing to me along with the radio in the car or making up songs to make fun of something - you were one of a kind, my sweet, sweet man!

So with each new day, I take one small step into a new world; a world without you. I will always remember your sweet, sweet smile and that special wink of yours that meant I love you. This new life will get better, with baby steps that I will take just one step at a time. I love you honey and miss you so!! You will live in my heart forever.

Your loving wife,
Julie

July - Summer 2010

Wow, I keep saying how time flies and it sure has been. Seven weeks ago today, I was readying myself to attend church after the death of Todd the night before. It was a surreal feeling, a day of new beginnings. There have been many new beginnings these past several weeks. I am making strides in picking up my life again. I think about Todd a million times a day and miss him still terribly. As long as I keep moving and keep busy, I am able to cope. At night, when I lay down is when I remember all of our pillow talks and rehashing of our day. Now, I wish he were here to visit with and hug and love...I miss it all!! He would be proud of how I am making small improvements and keeping up with all that owning a home entails; I will be getting a water treatment system and a hot water tank this Wednesday from Agway, the garage walls have been painted (still have the ceiling to do), mower is fixed and grass is being mowed, lists have been made and so much more is on the horizon. Sometimes it is overwhelming but I take a deep breath, say a prayer of thankfulness for Todd's teaching me many things and I go on with what needs to be done.
I call friends/family or they call me...I visit friends/family or they visit me...I could not get through these days without all of you. GOD BLESS all of you!!

The road less traveled

How do we know we are making the right choices?
There are so many choices to make!!


The Road Less Traveled
by Kit McCallum

How often we must bear the challenges of life;
The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;
The constant ups and downs of daily strife.
And always the question remains .... why?

Life is not an easy road for most;
It twists and turns with many forks in the road,
Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...

Do we turn to the right ... or the left?
Do we take the high road ... or the low road?
Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?

Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...
And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.

While standing at a crossroads in life,
The urge is to take the most comfortable path;
The road with least resistance ...
The shortest or most traveled route.

And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;
Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;

Do we yet again follow the known?
Or does our destiny lie in another direction?

The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;
It manifests itself in many ways,
And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.

It is in these times of confusion,
That we must seek peace and solitude;

Time to contemplate on our life,
Our experiences and our choices past;
Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learned
Without fear or confusion.

For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;
Our unique past and personal history;
The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.

We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,
And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,
Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...

For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.

And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,
Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;
The true direction that lies within;
The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.

For it is only through personal reflection,
That we can now choose our destiny;
... Our next adventure;
... And the future we will embrace.

The value of friendship!!

After losing his parents, this 3 year old orangutan was so depressed he wouldn't eat and didn't respond to any medical treatments. The veterinarians thought he would surely die from sadness. The zoo keepers found an old sick dog on the grounds in the park at the zoo where the orangutan lived and took the dog to the animal treatment center. The dog arrived at the same time the orangutan was there being treated. The 2 lost souls met and have been inseparable ever since.
The orangutan found a new reason to live and each always tries his best to be a good companion to his new found friend. They are together 24 hours a day in all their activities.

They live in Northern California where swimming is their favorite past time, although Roscoe (the orangutan) is a little afraid of the water and needs his friend's help to swim.

Together they have discovered the joy and laughter in life and the value of friendship.

They have found more than a friendly shoulder to lean on.

Long Live Friendship!!!!!!!

I don't know......some say life is too short, others say it is too long, but I know that nothing that we do makes sense if we don't touch the hearts of others.......while it lasts!

Thanks, Marilyn for this inspiring story! I love it.

Perspective

Life is only lived through one's own perspective. No two of us are the same. I can love you for who you are and hope you love me for who I am. But, I could not be 'me' without all of the "yous" in my life. You all make me be who I am, your interactions with me shape me - the good and the bad of the shaping come from what I choose to let slide my way. I tend to not let the bad part of life come my way, maybe by choice, mostly by luck. I have been blessed with a good family, good in-laws, good friends and good fellow Christians. I hope to continue in this life staying on the right path, living the good life and trying to help shape the world around me in a good Christian way.

Does this make sense to you? It does to me.

Change the story and you change perception;
change perception and you change the world.
Jean Houston
A Passion for the Possible

The path alone...

This path is a little rocky at times. The decision making has been rough this week; getting a water system estimate along with a hot water tank replacment, deciding on paint for the garage walls inside, deciding on the landscaping around the garage and driveway. These decisions have been made and this tough ole girl did it on her own. I am glad Todd set me up to be able to do all of these necessary things. Along with some help from my boys and close family and friends, I can do this living without Todd. I was told tonight that Todd did not want me to be sad or lonely, he wanted me to live and be happy...enjoy life as I am able. I will do my best, honey. One step at a time is the only way I can walk this path right now.

Like someone said, tough times NEVER last, but TOUGH people do!! I will persevere.

Thankful

I am feeling very thankful for this time in my life, for it has taught me what a strong, competent and resourceful person I am. I am also thankful for the people who stand beside me and nurture these traits within me. Loving and caring family and friends are what life is all about!

Friends

Soon the summer will be half over...where oh where do the days go? This week started off with a BANG! I had company all day long! Two of Todd's hospice nurse's were here for a leftover lunch and for dessert we 'played' with my pistol, shooting at targets off of the back deck. James and Stacy had so much fun...they both live in towns where the shooting they hear are from drive by shootings so this was something different for them. Actually, we all had fun!


Another friend, Stephen, came for the afternoon to visit and catch up...we were hired together 9 1/2 years ago, trained together and have been friends ever since. I had so much fun with my training class from USIS - it was a good day. He bought us dinner to go from the Tradition. Let's not make it so long between visits!!

Cody stopped in after work - it was a very busy day of company for a Monday. Now I must work.

Life without television

I always wanted to shut off the cable - or not watch television. It seemes to make one lazy, eat more and rots the mind. I am on my second week without ANY television watching. I turned my cable box in on July 1st. I don't miss it at all. Don't ask me about Survivor, NCIS, The Young and the Restless or CSI. I am not a TV watcher anymore. I have been filling my time with visiting, outside chores, reading and just keeping up with life and living alone. It is not so bad. I can catch the news on the internet or radio. I think more. I don't seem to waste my time just vegging out in front of a screen of movement and noise. I am liking this. So LIVE YOUR LIFE rather than watch someone elses make believe life. Now... for Steeler football season...I might just be visiting friends for that!

Booker T

Yes, that is the infamous Booker T from Booker T and the MG's, creator of the hit Green Onions. I met him in 2007 when I flew to Colorado for my vacation at my sister Jan's. He and his band were performing in Telluride.....I always knew I was going to meet someone famous. We were sitting beside each other for 3 hours in a van...the heat prevented our plane from flight and the only way to get to where we were going was driving.

Booker T & the MG's - green onions - mod ...

My goal....

Yes, this is my goal. (not the man, just the girl) That is me in 1975; a mere 35 years ago!! I loved that dress! (and you did look good in that tux, Rich!!) Unrealistic, I am sure, but a 'girl' can dream and set goals, can't she? A few less pounds and keep coloring the gray....for today.

Looks like daisies were always my favorite flower, too.

Thoughts and feelings

Todd felt good at Bethanne's wedding in April, we had a wonderful day. He tried to always be upbeat and happy...he was such a great guy!

I started back to work today after my clearance was reinstated from my time off. It feels good to be back working but it will take some time to get back in the groove.

Tonight I had an appointment with my financial advisors, Russ and Mark Bicker. They thought I might want to watch and critique a DVD they rec'd in the mail; a Sesame Street production entitled when families grieve. I just finished watching the cute Elmo, his friends and family talk/sing about missing a loved one. It is actually a very informative program geared toward children who have lost a loved one. But I love kids and I loved the DVD and the songs. It was good to watch. I liked the song they sang....

Give your heart a little time

I know you miss your [dad]
Believe me, we all do
But sharing the memories will
Help us through

Cause our hearts will just grow fonder
By rememberin'
And your love will always find
New heights to climb

When someone you love is gone
You are always gonna find
That you need to give your
Heart a little time

I am feelin' sad, what should I do?
It helps to talk about your feelings
And when the time is right
A little glimmer of hope shines through

That's when you're gonna feel
The hurts start healing
Cause families will just grow closer
When they're needed

And friends are here to help
You ease your mind.
When someone you love is gone
You are always gonna find

That you need to give your heart a little time
I miss him so but now I know
That I need to give my heart a little time
We need to give our hearts a little time.

Yes, we need to give our hearts a little time!
Todd, you will always be in our hearts!

The key words in GRIEVING are:

talk.......... remember

listen.......... cry

hope.......... connect

laugh.......... change

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still - I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain,

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone
I am still with you - in each new dawn.

Personal Hope

I am learning that comfort is NOT the removal of pain, but it is knowing that everything is going to be all right.

I was lucky enough to spend the days with friends and family over the holiday weekend. Saturday I was at friends for a cookout, Saturday night I was at our 'grade/middle school' class reunion, Sunday I went boating with friends and then another cookout with my son Cody and his friends. I topped Sunday off with fireworks with Tom and Etta in Grove City. It was a busy weekend. Today I am sitting in my a/c wishing this dream about Todd being gone was just that, a dream. I have good days and bad days.....up days and down days.....my close friends and family try to keep me 'grounded'. The comfort is all welcome - I know it will all be all right. My heart is still broken and hurting, the pain is real and I know the future will come...but for now the saying good-bye to Todd was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This separation is not permanent....death is NOT the end. I eagerly anticipate the next family reunion of all time in HEAVEN. But I am not going yet, I have living to do and I will get to that soon, please give me time to get used to this new me. One step at a time is all anyone can do and that is my life for now. Love to all of you.

Time

I can hear birds chirping, the wall clock ticking and my mind wanders to times in my life that have made me be me. In life, there is only so much time to accomplish what we can...don't waste any time, work hard at being a good person.



As I sit here in my home, I am humbled by many things. Todd set me up to have a life with little or no worries....our house AND garage are paid for at my young age of 51. I am proud of how my boys have become young men, right before my eyes. Todd was such a great influence on them!

Growing up, my mom only thought about my dad and us kids; she made sure we never did without if it was in her power. She taught me that volunteering and helping others was the route to go in life. I do have a soft part in my heart for pleasing people in subtle ways; ways that make them feel good about themselves, ways that will make them a better person. At other times, I come right out and tell them what is on my mind, how wonderful they are - some might say I talk too much, but this is me.

So as I sat in the quietness of the morning today - I had no sad thoughts, only loving, happy thoughts of people who have touched my life. There so many more times to come of me being a people pleaser. GOD has a way of helping me be me, as he does all of you!!

Letter to James

James was Todd's favorite hospice nurse; a nice guy, a friend, a spritual person who was at times misunderstood by those around him to include his family and his coworkers. Todd really enjoyed James' company; he enjoyed their conversations and their activities, picking fishing worms, listening to music and just plain hanging out on our front porch or back deck. I recently wrote a letter to James but I have not sent it out yet....I don't want him to think I am just 'babbling' on and on, I want him to know that he is a special person who is genuine and appreciated by me for all he did for and with Todd during his last month on this Earth.


James,

You have the qualities that I like in a man [or a woman]… you are Kind, Caring, Compassionate, Sympathetic, Spiritual, Friendly, Engaging, Quick, a Good Listener, a Critical Thinker, have a Positive Personality, Sweet, Thorough, Understanding, Patient, Loving, Honest, Trustworthy, have a Sense of Humor and so many more.

Evidence was abundant with all of these qualities when you were caring for Todd – it was such a relief to let someone as skilled as you - be by my side - caring for the love of my life. I will never forget how you demonstrated all of your skills with someone you knew would leave this world soon – you gracefully let him die with dignity. I was so glad you were here that fateful day; you made his passing so calming for me. Remembering the moment of death; the look on your face of concern and sadness, my feelings and tears -- are all wrapped up into a bubble that will never leave my mind. As I stroked Todd’s head, arms and chest and then whispered in his ear, ‘I will always love you honey, until we meet again’ …you patiently and lovingly waited for me to say my last goodbyes to my soul mate, my lover, my life. I will never forget helping you with Todd’s Earth body, readying him one last time for a trip into town. I will single you out and describe you to be one of the best nurses I have met. You are the epitome [a highly representative example of a type, class, or characteristic] of nursing.

You put up with my nervous jokes, innuendos and constant babbling. You are a person who genuinely loves your work and you do your work with such graceful aplomb.
Aplomb - confident poise: confidence, skill, and poise, especially in difficult or challenging circumstances

Keep up the good work, my friend.

Lightness, melancholy, loss

Thank you to my mom for finding words to describe what I am feeling...

...from a novel by Jacqueline Winspear - An Incomplete Revenge.

Maisie's 'lover' Simon was wounded in WWI and had been unresponisve for several years. He recently died and this was written in the story:

"The challenge with death is that it can lift a burden, and we feel two sensations - moments of lightness, along with melancholy, of loss. You have already suffered one, Maisie, so do not be taken aback when there is only one remaining and it is the one that brings with it moments of levity...do not underestimate your feelings, and don't draw back from doors that open. Simon's spirit is at peace. Allow yours to be free as you live."