Thoughts and feelings

Todd felt good at Bethanne's wedding in April, we had a wonderful day. He tried to always be upbeat and happy...he was such a great guy!

I started back to work today after my clearance was reinstated from my time off. It feels good to be back working but it will take some time to get back in the groove.

Tonight I had an appointment with my financial advisors, Russ and Mark Bicker. They thought I might want to watch and critique a DVD they rec'd in the mail; a Sesame Street production entitled when families grieve. I just finished watching the cute Elmo, his friends and family talk/sing about missing a loved one. It is actually a very informative program geared toward children who have lost a loved one. But I love kids and I loved the DVD and the songs. It was good to watch. I liked the song they sang....

Give your heart a little time

I know you miss your [dad]
Believe me, we all do
But sharing the memories will
Help us through

Cause our hearts will just grow fonder
By rememberin'
And your love will always find
New heights to climb

When someone you love is gone
You are always gonna find
That you need to give your
Heart a little time

I am feelin' sad, what should I do?
It helps to talk about your feelings
And when the time is right
A little glimmer of hope shines through

That's when you're gonna feel
The hurts start healing
Cause families will just grow closer
When they're needed

And friends are here to help
You ease your mind.
When someone you love is gone
You are always gonna find

That you need to give your heart a little time
I miss him so but now I know
That I need to give my heart a little time
We need to give our hearts a little time.

Yes, we need to give our hearts a little time!
Todd, you will always be in our hearts!

The key words in GRIEVING are:

talk.......... remember

listen.......... cry

hope.......... connect

laugh.......... change

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still - I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain,

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone
I am still with you - in each new dawn.

Personal Hope

I am learning that comfort is NOT the removal of pain, but it is knowing that everything is going to be all right.

I was lucky enough to spend the days with friends and family over the holiday weekend. Saturday I was at friends for a cookout, Saturday night I was at our 'grade/middle school' class reunion, Sunday I went boating with friends and then another cookout with my son Cody and his friends. I topped Sunday off with fireworks with Tom and Etta in Grove City. It was a busy weekend. Today I am sitting in my a/c wishing this dream about Todd being gone was just that, a dream. I have good days and bad days.....up days and down days.....my close friends and family try to keep me 'grounded'. The comfort is all welcome - I know it will all be all right. My heart is still broken and hurting, the pain is real and I know the future will come...but for now the saying good-bye to Todd was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This separation is not permanent....death is NOT the end. I eagerly anticipate the next family reunion of all time in HEAVEN. But I am not going yet, I have living to do and I will get to that soon, please give me time to get used to this new me. One step at a time is all anyone can do and that is my life for now. Love to all of you.

Time

I can hear birds chirping, the wall clock ticking and my mind wanders to times in my life that have made me be me. In life, there is only so much time to accomplish what we can...don't waste any time, work hard at being a good person.



As I sit here in my home, I am humbled by many things. Todd set me up to have a life with little or no worries....our house AND garage are paid for at my young age of 51. I am proud of how my boys have become young men, right before my eyes. Todd was such a great influence on them!

Growing up, my mom only thought about my dad and us kids; she made sure we never did without if it was in her power. She taught me that volunteering and helping others was the route to go in life. I do have a soft part in my heart for pleasing people in subtle ways; ways that make them feel good about themselves, ways that will make them a better person. At other times, I come right out and tell them what is on my mind, how wonderful they are - some might say I talk too much, but this is me.

So as I sat in the quietness of the morning today - I had no sad thoughts, only loving, happy thoughts of people who have touched my life. There so many more times to come of me being a people pleaser. GOD has a way of helping me be me, as he does all of you!!

Letter to James

James was Todd's favorite hospice nurse; a nice guy, a friend, a spritual person who was at times misunderstood by those around him to include his family and his coworkers. Todd really enjoyed James' company; he enjoyed their conversations and their activities, picking fishing worms, listening to music and just plain hanging out on our front porch or back deck. I recently wrote a letter to James but I have not sent it out yet....I don't want him to think I am just 'babbling' on and on, I want him to know that he is a special person who is genuine and appreciated by me for all he did for and with Todd during his last month on this Earth.


James,

You have the qualities that I like in a man [or a woman]… you are Kind, Caring, Compassionate, Sympathetic, Spiritual, Friendly, Engaging, Quick, a Good Listener, a Critical Thinker, have a Positive Personality, Sweet, Thorough, Understanding, Patient, Loving, Honest, Trustworthy, have a Sense of Humor and so many more.

Evidence was abundant with all of these qualities when you were caring for Todd – it was such a relief to let someone as skilled as you - be by my side - caring for the love of my life. I will never forget how you demonstrated all of your skills with someone you knew would leave this world soon – you gracefully let him die with dignity. I was so glad you were here that fateful day; you made his passing so calming for me. Remembering the moment of death; the look on your face of concern and sadness, my feelings and tears -- are all wrapped up into a bubble that will never leave my mind. As I stroked Todd’s head, arms and chest and then whispered in his ear, ‘I will always love you honey, until we meet again’ …you patiently and lovingly waited for me to say my last goodbyes to my soul mate, my lover, my life. I will never forget helping you with Todd’s Earth body, readying him one last time for a trip into town. I will single you out and describe you to be one of the best nurses I have met. You are the epitome [a highly representative example of a type, class, or characteristic] of nursing.

You put up with my nervous jokes, innuendos and constant babbling. You are a person who genuinely loves your work and you do your work with such graceful aplomb.
Aplomb - confident poise: confidence, skill, and poise, especially in difficult or challenging circumstances

Keep up the good work, my friend.

Lightness, melancholy, loss

Thank you to my mom for finding words to describe what I am feeling...

...from a novel by Jacqueline Winspear - An Incomplete Revenge.

Maisie's 'lover' Simon was wounded in WWI and had been unresponisve for several years. He recently died and this was written in the story:

"The challenge with death is that it can lift a burden, and we feel two sensations - moments of lightness, along with melancholy, of loss. You have already suffered one, Maisie, so do not be taken aback when there is only one remaining and it is the one that brings with it moments of levity...do not underestimate your feelings, and don't draw back from doors that open. Simon's spirit is at peace. Allow yours to be free as you live."

Taking a breath

A simple article in the Reader's Digest got me thinking
about this subject.....breathing life in....breathing life out.

Think about all the ways we talk about a "breath".
you take one,
you lose one,
you steal one,
you hold one,
you waste one,
you save one,
you run out of [breath]....the combinations go on and on.

I watched Todd heave for air. I watched his eyes open wide in fright. His lungs were trying to do the simple act we take for granted. A simple act that we don't think much about - taking a breath. I know he is at peace now but that does not stop my tears from falling. I cry myself to sleep, holding onto his teddy bear that I gave him. I have put his favorite cologne on the ribbon around its neck, just to catch the smell of him again. In the morning, I look at his belt I have on my dresser. I look at the empty side of the bed. This morning my eyes are puffy, again. This morning I think I can go through this day...but when night comes, I think too much.

Lord, give me the strength for another day. Todd, I miss you!